The Suicide Note of Kurt Donald Cobain, 1967-1994
To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guity beyond words about these things.
For example when we're back stage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowds begins., it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun. Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do,God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. It must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasms I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally, and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I don't have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy... and a daughter who reminds me too much of what i used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along that have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
...ani
Peace, love, empathy.
Kurt Cobain
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your alter. Please keep going Courtney, for Frances. For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
When I heard mutterings of this long ago I thought, "Oh Please. Murder? Kurt Cobain? But didn't he already try suicide? So... this time he did it. Bummer".
I love Nirvana. Love. (I also have a massive crush on David Grohl, who is one of the funniest and nicest guys there is, but he never returns my calls...
They still won't reopen the case even though many people who are quite credible came forward to say Something Wasn't Kosher. . After I read everything there was to read I came away totally convinced he was murdered. What also got to me was the simple fact that if this was anyone else...any other death of Any Other Someone ..even 1/3rd of this info would have got the case reopened or at very least, some people dragged by their black roots into some serious police questioning. But it was handily written off as .just another depressed-drug addict-unstable rock star suicide. And as we saw with OJ Simpson and the JonBenet Ramsey murder - when you have money you get to bribe, bullshit, stall, dance, sing and buy your way out of it all and walk free. People are hired to play the game of Find The Loopholes, and the richest win. If the people involved in Kurt's "suicide" were you and me? We'd be so deep in jail right now for obstructing justice they'd have to feed us with a slingshot. Kurt's now filthy rich widow no one could stand, Won.
To run over some quick facts (some of which aren't and will be cleared up later): Kurt Cobain, the magic of the band Nirvana (and someone I always admired for being stuck with the same 19-colors of natural blonde hair as I do), killed himself in a greenhouse over his garage; supposedly by a self-inflicted shotgun wound to the head. So they said. The moody, depressive off-again-mosly-on-again heroin addict's death came as a sad shock to most, but not a total surprise. He'd overdosed before, a prior suicide attempt. He'd "run away" from rehab days before and no one could find him as he hid from everyone, in some desperate mental state. Everyone was looking frantically for him. So why would anyone question this?
The evidence would make it questionable. A lot was ignored if not outright lied about by police and ignorantly misreported by the media (imagine). "Facts" stated about the death scene and circumstances weren't very factual. The stuff that didn't neatly fit into the handy verdict of Just Another Suicide were ignored and more interesting embellishments made. Fact is, the ex-Mrs.Cobain, AKA the former Skank Nobody Groupie Heroin Addict who latched onto the famous Kurt and then suddenly managed to become Someone thanks to being Mrs. Cobain, apparently wanted him dead. Oh, she was pissed off, big time. And a lot of people knew this. Including Kurt, who decided he'd finally had quite enough of it, and her.
What was the problem? Kurt wanted to quit The Music Biz and retire out of public eye. He'd never been too happy with the Rock Star Thing. He felt like a phony, he didn't enjoy it, he felt as if he was betraying his fans, forcing himself to do something he hated while they adored him for doing it. He'd made his money, he was burnt out, he just thought he'd see what life would bring. Kurt also wanted a divorce, and Courtney's often publicly abused Meal Ticket was about to finally file for it. Courtney's prenuptial agreement would leave her with not too much, as opposed to his death which left her
million$ and a perpetual heir to the Cobain estate. Plus it's much more glamorous to be Kurt's Poor Widow than That Bitch Poor Kurt Married. People compared her to Yoko Ono, down to her even starting fight within Kurt's band members when she found out they all got the same per cent of the profits, her yelling at him that he did most of the work, he was Nirvana, he did the song writing and she...wait she means he... should be getting most of the money. Problem was, Kurt was motivated by friendship and the artist's need to create. The band saw itself as "the band" and he didn't want to screw his friends out of nickels and dimes. It was a group effort, not ego or greed. The worse she got, the worse he got into depression and drugs, until he decided he'd had it and had to cut loose or die. He went to rehab and was hell bent on getting his life together. He made no secret of this. Friends were encouraging; no one liked She Who Needs To Bathe and wanted him to get away from her. Then came the "suicide". Strangely this happened right before the release of Courtney's CD, which sold briskly because of the whole sad, tragic event. Poor Courtney! (It was also a great CD, I thought. But then it would be since the story is that Kurt wrote most of it for her).
Usually additional detective work or even plain Citizens who come up with even a shred of possible question can get a possible murder case reopened or looked at with a more objective eye. People's body's have been exhumed to test for poisons well after "Natural death" was believed to have ended their life. Murder doesn't have a statue of limitation. It's not rare for info to come up later - death bed confessions, someone finally opening their big mouth, someone screwing up. Yet all the evidence found by Tom Grant meets with a cold, steadfast dismissal. As you read through this story, pretend we're talking about just a regular Joe Schmo here. Pretend there was some gold-digging wife in the wings, pretend this all pertains to just a supposed suicide but then someone came up with a lot of things that just didn't make sense and said you know, maybe this was a murder. I bet you'll agree a case would be reopened based on this information. Just to be fair, just to make sure. Just to check. But not this one, and that is what's so anomalous.
At the time of his death, Kurt was straightening out his life and decided he wanted to leave the Rock and Roll life. He never really liked being in the lime light and Nirvana's unexpected and sudden fame had made him miserable, going against the grain of who he was. The other thing that was making him miserable was his marriage. He had wanted to divorce before but the birth of his daughter made him decide to hang in there (funny how that "I'll get knocked up" thing often works for awhile). It didn't improve the situation. He decided it was finally time to make some big changes in his life and be happy.
This really pissed off Courtney, and caused bitter arguments. She saw no reason, wanting to be a Famous Rock Star herself, for him to call it all off right when he was Famous and on top of the game. And besides, most said (most knew) the whole point of her marrying Kurt was because he had money and was who he was.
When Courtney realized he was going to really file for divorce she asked her family lawyer, Rosemary Carroll, to find her the "meanest, most vicious divorce lawyer" she could. Because Kurt wasn't an idiot and Courtney was No One when they got married, she had been asked to sign a prenuptial agreement that would leave her with half of Kurt's money in the event of divorce. Courtney wanted someone who might be able to get her out of this agreement and change that. As it turns out, she inherited everything upon his death and always will have a steady stream of royalties and fame from his estate. Ms. Carroll was instrumental in starting an investigation into what really was going on. After his death, Rosemary contacted Tom Grant and said she had information she wanted to share and had come to believe Courtney was behind Kurt's death - she had the possible motive.
At this time Kurt also called Rosemary to tell her he realized he had never finished making out his Will, and he wanted to do that. He wanted to remove Courtney completely out of it.
Days before his death, Kurt had been in a rehab facility in Los Angeles but had left before the treatment period ended. A friend visiting Kurt in the facility said he looked the best he'd ever seen him look, was happy, upbeat and looking forward to the changes he had planned for himself. Kurt booked a flight home to Seattle, making no attempt to hide the fact he had left rehab or was now home, nor any attempt to stay out of sight. Fans recognized him at the airport and he talked to them and signed autographs.
At the time Kurt was in rehab, Courtney also enrolled in an outpatient rehab program "to support Kurt". The "out patient" program was really her just staying in a $500 a night suite at a L.A. Hotel with her baby daughter and her daughter's nanny. Her band's first CD was about to come out and she was mostly there to do some PR work for it.
Side note: it's said Kurt was behind the success of this CD, "Live Through This" writing most of the catchy lyrics and catchy hooks, really taking a mundane talent and making it a success. Hole's first CD was released in 1991 but went nowhere and the two after "Live Through This" didn't do well, either. In fact the original cover for "LTT" was supposed to be a childhood photo of Kurt, but was quickly changed when he died to try to make it less obvious Ms. Love had been cashing in on the fact she was Mrs. Cobain. Some say you can even hear his guitar work on it.
When Kurt left rehab and was supposedly a Missing Person, Courtney was arrested in her $500 a day LA hotel suite due to an anonymous 911 emergency phone call reporting that there had been a drug overdose in her room. Paramedics arrived and took her to the hospital, but she had not OD'd so was released 2 hours later into police custody. She was charged with possession of a syringe and drug paraphernalia. Tom Grant says this was Courtney's alibi for the whole mess because it got her out of the picture at the right time with a host of credible witnesses on the
day, it was later estimated, Kurt died. The 911 call, it was found out later, was placed from her hotel room
.After leaving rehab and arriving home from the airport, Kurt woke up their live-in nanny, Michael Dewitt (nicknamed "Cali") and talked with him awhile. Cali had been a good friend of Courtney's way before she met Kurt which is how he got the nanny job.
Kurt also tried to call Courtney at the hotel in LA but couldn't get through. He left a message and the number of a friend's where he was hanging out. This is hardly the actions of a guy who is running around hiding from everyone, suicidal. Courtney later said she had instructed the hotel front desk to put a block on her phone and only allow calls from Kurt to come through. She pretended to be furious at the front desk's faux pas. The hotel says this never happened.
When Courtney came home from LA, she started the story that Kurt had "escaped from" rehab and was supposedly nowhere to be found. However, someone was using Kurt's credit card. Courtney called a private investigator, Tom Grant, and asked if he could find the person using it. When Grant came to the house to interview her and get details, she admitted she lied and she really wanted to find Kurt, saying there had been no contact since he left the Rehab facility. In spite of this, she had canceled the card which then made it impossible to trace.
The person who had been using Kurt's credit card used it for 3 days before Courtney canceled it. This was the same 3 day period that was later estimated that Kurt had already been dead. The credit card was always kept in his wallet and he himself had never reported it missing before this, suggesting he had it in his possession when he died.
If Courtney had no idea where he was or HOW he was, how did she know his credit card was being used? Or used "by someone else"? And if she thought he was fine and "out there somewhere hiding", why would she cancel his credit card on him and cut off his money?
Courtney also asked Tom Grant to watch a woman's house that she suspected was Kurt's girlfriend "in case he'd show up there" even though she knew Kurt was always hanging out at home. 'She seemed more worried about watching this woman, than Kurt', said Tom.
Kurt had turned down heading the Lollapalooza tour, which would have made him over $9 million. Courtney was royally pissed about this and the other money making things he was turning down, following his plan to retire from the whole business.
When Tom Grant went to the house the day after first being contacted by Courtney, there was a note to Kurt from Cali, the nanny, which was left in plain view on the stairs. The note said Cali "couldn't believe" Kurt had been in the house without him knowing and bitched him out for not telling Courtney he was OK. But Cali had already seen Kurt once already - when Kurt first got home and after all, it was Kurt's house. Why be stunned or angry that he had been there and didn't tell him? Kurt didn't have to answer to Cali. Tom believes it was planted there for him to find, to make it look like Kurt was still alive and well and backing up the "theory" that Kurt was sneaking around avoiding everyone and everyone was frantic with worry.
Kurt's body was found by electricians that had been called to do work on the premises. They spotted his body through the glass doors of the greenhouse, which was located above the garage. He had been dead for 3 days. How did his body lay around for three days in his own home, getting missed by a live-in nanny, his wife and others who were supposedly looking all over for him, not knowing if at any given hour he'd shown up and was around somewhere? Wouldn't it be common sense to look here at least every morning to see if he might have been there?
No fingerprints were found on the shot gun that Kurt supposedly used to shoot himself in the head. There were 4 "latent prints" too faint and smudged to be of any use. Cops said this seemed to look as if someone wiped off the prints that had been there. Surely a man who just blew his head off can't pause to wipe a gun down. But it gets better - the gun wasn't even checked for fingerprints until one month after the "Suicide", on the request of Tom Green. If the gun was handled carefully by police so as not to add prints to it, there'd at least be Kurt's prints on it. If they didn't handle it carefully, it'd be full of prints from all the people who'd touched it. Why was it clean?
No fingerprints at all were found on the box of shells for the gun, which were next to Kurt's body. Three shells were loaded from the box of 25 - why would Kurt load 3 shells if he was planning to kill himself? Doesn't one do it? It was said Kurt bought the gun for home protection, and it's suggested you put 3 bullets in a gun if it's kept for that purpose.
No fingerprints at all were found on the pen Kurt supposedly used to write his "suicide note".
The 'suicide' note has been determined by two internationally known hand writing experts to be of two different handwritings. The "original" letter written by Kurt had nothing at all in it about suicide. It was a known fact that Kurt wanted to quit the Rock Business and he was fed up with his marriage to the abusive psycho Courtney. His written portion of the letter reads as such; merely a reflection and thoughts about how fed up he was, how he felt he was letting his fans down, being a phony by trying to stick with it and had decided, tho he felt guilty, to quit the whole thing. (click for text version)
The parts added to the note are the only sections that would make this note go into "a suicide note" mode. At the top of the note is written "Boddah" in this 2nd handwriting. At the bottom of the letter AFTER Kurt's signature are added four lines that put the 'suicide' ring to it, add some parting desperation and an added "'goodbye".
It was also reported by police that a "second suicide note" was found stuck into a bowl of flower bulbs by the door of the greenhouse. This one was addressed to Courtney and a name that was blacked out by police. It was signed "Kurt Colbain". Police said this misspelling of his own name was of "no significance" nor was the oddity of two "Suicide notes". This second one has never made public. The first one was made very public by Courtney who read it to crowds of Kurt's fans, weeping and swearing over it, and Kurt for leaving her. (And so, I say snidely, launched her Hollywood career as Actress).
When asked by Tom Grant why he hadn't searched the greenhouse, Dylan Carlson, Kurt's best friend and the guy who was with Kurt when he bought the shotgun said it was "just a dirty little room - I think they kept wood in there". When questioned later by the press he told them he hadn't looked in the greenhouse because he didn't know the greenhouse existed. Surely a best friend who spent a lot of time there would know there was an entire garage and greenhouse on his friend's property?
One of the main suspects became Cali, the nanny. When Tom Grant asked where he was so he could talk to him, Courtney first said he was in rehab in Georgia maybe, she thought , or no wait! He's on vacation. Green requested that she call him and ask him to come to back to Seattle for questioning. Courtney told a friend who was there at the time to go call him and tell him to come back home. When Grant left, Courtney got back on the phone, called Cali herself and said not to come back. He never did, and was never questioned by anyone about the death.
The police reports said there was a stool "wedged" under the door of the greenhouse, preventing anyone from entering. This is total BS...there was a small, 3-legged foot stool sitting towards the center of the door, way too short to reach the handle and light enough to have been easily scooted out of the way as the door was pushed open.
Kurt's body was found laying on his back, with the shotgun on his chest pointed to his head. His left hand was holding the barrel. Reports made it sound like he had blown his entire face/head off, and you'd expect that from a point-blank gunshot blast. On the floor was his wallet. Reports also stated that he had carefully taken out his driver's license and laid it out so identification could be made. This is total BS, too. One of the cops who arrived at the scene first took the license out of the wallet, propping it up to take a photo with it visible by the body and reporters finding this scene assumed it had been Kurt's "propping". Also, little damage was done to Kurt's face - it was easily seen who he was and was not the carnage you'd expect from a "point-blank" shotgun blast.
Also found next to the body was a cigar box which contained a burnt spoon, a syringe and other heroin paraphernalia, all carefully and neatly put away. No prints at all were found on any of this gear.
Canadian Chemist Roger Lewis read the autopsy report and smelled a rat knowing that drug related 'suicides' are often a staged cover-up for a murder - it is unheard of that someone is going to set themselves up to commit suicide by drug overdose and then still plan to blow their head off. Roger studied 98 similar deaths and their pathology, criminology and forensic data.
Kurt's autopsy revealed that his blood contained 2 to 3 times a "normal", fatal dose of heroin. It's true that addicts build up a tolerance to their drug, and a typical scenario for an overdose is when a (former) addict or one who has taken a break goes back to doing their drug and assumes they can tolerate the same amount they left off at. Their body is no longer used to such a high level, and OD is common. According to "Heroin Addiction: Theory, Research and Treatment" (1986) a lethal dose for a 150 pound male is about 70-80 mg of heroin (heroin immediately turns into morphine in the blood). Kurt weighed 115 pounds (he was a tiny guy) and had 75 times this lethal amount in his blood. Lewis concluded: "There is no way he shot himself up with triple a fatal dose of heroin, rolled down his shirt sleeve, put his syringe and drug kit neatly away in a box, and pulled the trigger. You'd be dead before you even got the needle out of your arm." This is backed by all the medical study - you'd be instantly dead or instantly in a coma and on your way to quickly being so. Lewis' investigation and his belief Kurt was murdered have been ignored by police. His report is titled "Dead Men Don't Pull Triggers".
The New England Journal of Medicine (1973) study by J.C. Garriott "Morphine Concentrations and Survival Periods in Acute Heroin Fatalities" says that no one has ever been found "Naturally overdosed" with a heroin blood level of over .93 ml per litre. Kurt's level was 50% higher than this.
Kurt OD'd in Rome in 1994. All reports - which were known exclusively through Courtney - said that it had been accidental. They hadn't seen each other for a while and although he had been taking prescription Xanax, they also stupidly had some champagne to celebrate being together. Courtney was emphatic that it was "Not a suicide attempt" and continued to tell this same story until his death. After he died, Courtney told the press this had actually been a suicide attempt. This PR move backfired when friends and family blasted the hell out of her and said if this was true why hadn't she mentioned it before - so they could have protected and watched him, gotten him help? Talked to him about it? Why had he said anything but that it had been a stupid accident?
This statement from Courtney was the sole reason that anyone, ever, was of the "belief" that Kurt had tried to kill himself before or was "suicidal".
Kurt's friend Peter Cleary said that Kurt was never suicidal. "Nothing was ever said about that until AFTER he died. Then all of a sudden all you heard was that he was, and had been, kind of setting up this whole scene that he'd eventually do it. And it all came from Courtney. He never was, ever. Never. Ever".
Peter also is quoted as saying, "She would call him a dumb fuck all the time. He would just stand there and take her abuse...he was like a baby. One day he was talking to me and another friend and I guess she thought she was being ignored, so she started calling him a "dickless jackoff" right in front of (daughter) Francis. This is pretty much how it always went towards the end"
Courtney conveniently produced for the police a never-before-seen-or-mentioned suicide note Kurt supposedly wrote at the time of this 1994 Rome "suicide attempt". This note was not brought up at the time in Rome nor mentioned to anyone, ever. A police officer said there had been a note but it was not a suicide note; it was a rambling and unflattering diatribe against her. He said there were some veiled references you'd really have to look hard at to see as "suicidal" and it'd only seem so in hindsight.
The coroner who pronounced Kurt's death a suicide and who had final say in the medical aspects of the investigation was an old friend of Courtney's and used to party with her. Rumors said, he still was..
Eldon Hoke, a porno-rock-redneck-self mutilating scumbag 'artiste' who went by the stage name of El Duce, said Courtney offered him $50,000 to kill Kurt, explaining to El Duce that he'd been "getting to be a real asshole". Eldon turned her down. The fact that Courtney even knew these people speaks volumes; they were so bad that area police used to warn young girls and runaways they befriended to stay the hell away from them and never ever go to the houses or parties - it wasn't rare for people to go missing, get gang raped or worse. Because of El Duce's nefarious life and character, no one believed him of course. He insisted a lie detector test be given to him and it was - by one of the nation's best polygraphers. He passed. Scumbag or not, he had the guts and decency to come forward with the information, and "worse" people have been taken seriously and allowed to testify in murder trials. A few days after coming forward with this information, Hoke was killed by a train in a freak accident
Tom Grant decided to make this all public and went on a Nationally syndicated radio show. Courtney called him afterwards and told him she'd "make it worth his while to drop the investigation'.
After the dust settled, Courtney awarded Cali the Nanny's father a very lucrative contract to entirely remodel her WA home.
A few short weeks after Kurt's death, Courtney went on tour with her band. In fact .. surprize, surprize!! ...Courtney actively went after, and got, the headline act for the Lollapalooza tour that Kurt/Nirvana had been asked to do but which Kurt had declined. The press and most everyone else dubbed her "The Merry Widow" because of her antics and partying, drugging and living it up in spades. Many were amused that she found the time to go get boob implants.
In spite of many reliable people and private investigations turning up much new information on this case, the Seattle police refuse to reopen it in spite of saying publicly that they would if new information was ever discovered or presented to them and they had 'any reason to'.
A comparison of Kurt, Courtney and Cali's handwriting
Kurt's Death Certificate
with all his investigation papers, photos, tapes and reports. Literally an P.I's casework. Usually I rant about people ney off things like this, but he's doing it to try to recoup all the money he spent out of his own pocket to pursue this de his life very unpleasant. With all I've seen this man go through just to get some answers over these years, even h his web sites that he stubbornly kept recreating to keep this info available, he deserves it. His site also has a short, the events and observations he had made during the investigation along with details of the incredible games, lies, and ch put him through to get him to shut up or convince him she didn't have a thing to do with a thing (did I say that out wreck. I have been saddened to see how Hollywood and people embrace her. If Kurt was still alive, she'd be Mrs. Ex-babe..sue me.
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